On vacation I must stick to my Diet Rules

DIET RULES:
1. If no-one sees you eat something, it has no calories
2. When drinking a diet-coke with a chocolate bar, the fat in the chocolate bar is cancelled out by the diet-coke.
3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you do not eat more than they do.
4. Food used for medicinal purposes does NOT count. (for example:chocolate, toast, cheesecake and vodka)
5. If you fatten up the people around you, you will look thinner.
6. Cinema-related foods have a zero calorie count as they are part of the entertainment package and not counted as food intake.(this includes: popcorn, minties, maltesers, jaffas and frozen cokes)
7. Biscuit pieces have no calories because breaking the biscuits up causes calorie leakage.
8. Food licked from knives and spoons has no fat if you are in the process of cooking something.
9. Foods that are the same colour have the same amount of fat. Examples are: spinach and peppermint ice-cream; apples and red jelly snakes.
10.Chocolate is a food-colour wild card and may be substituted for any other colour.
11.Anything eaten while standing has no calories due to gravityand the density of calorie mass.
12.Food consumed from someone else's plate has no fat as it rightfully belongs to the other person and the fat will cling to his/her plate.