Geography

The Geography of a Woman:

Between the ages of 18 - 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with bushland around the fertile deltas.

Between the ages of 21 - 30 a woman is like America or Japan. Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade especially with countries with cash or cars.

Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like India or Spain.
Very hot, relaxed and convinced of its own beauty.

Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France or Argentina. She may have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq.
She lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.

Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia or Canada.
Very wide, quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled but the frigid climate keeps people away.

Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia. With a glorious and all conquering past but alas no future.

After 70, they become Albania or Afghanistan.
Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.

The Geography of a Man:

Between the ages of 15 - 70 a man is like Zimbabwe - ruled by a dick.

The True Story of Creation

In The Beginning, God created the Heaven and the Earth. And the Earth was without form, and void, And darkness was upon the face of the deep.
And the Devil said, "It doesn't get any better than this."
And so God created Man in His own image; Male and female He created them.
And God looked upon Man and Woman And saw that they were lean and fit. And God populated the earth With broccoli and cauliflower and spinach And green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, So Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
And so the Devil created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 79-cent double cheeseburger. And the Devil said to Man, "You want fries with that?"
And Man said, "Super-size them." And Man gained five pounds.
And so God created the healthful yogurt, That Woman might keep her figure But the Devil brought forth chocolate. And Woman gained five pounds.
And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."And the Devil brought forth Ben and Jerry's. And Woman gained 10 pounds.
And God said, "Why doth thou eatest thus?"I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables And olive oil with which to cook them."
But the Devil brought forth chicken fried steak So big it needed its own platter. And Man gained 10 pounds And his bad cholesterol went through the roof.
And so God brought forth running shoes. And Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.
And the Devil brought forth cable TV with remote control So Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And Man gained another 20 pounds.
And so God brought forth the potato, A vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.
And the Devil peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And the Devil created sour cream dip.
And Man clutched his remote control And ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol. And the Devil saw and said, "It is good."
And Man went into cardiac arrest. And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery. And the Devil canceled Man's health insurance.
So God showed Woman how to peel the skin off chicken And cook the nourishing whole grain brown rice. And the Devil created light beer So Man could poison his body, While feeling righteous because he had to drink twice as much of the now-insipid brew to get the same buzz. And Man gained another 10 pounds.
And Woman ventured forth Into the land of Godiva chocolate, And upon returning asked Man, "Do I look fat?"
And the Devil said, "Always tell the truth." And Man did.
And Woman went out from the presence of Man And dwelt in the land of the divorce lawyer, East of the marriage counselor.
And the Devil said, "It doesn't get any better than this."

Always look whats in front of you

Perfect Love

Well who isn't looking for perfect love :-

I'm looking for a women with the looks of an angel and the body of a goddess.

I'm looking for the ideal women to bring up my children.

I'm looking for a women that will never lie to me and at the same time make me laugh.

I'm looking for a woman that is great in bed and a fantastic cook.


Its also important none of these four women know each other.

Management

One of my work colleagues sent me this today, I thought it was quite funny -

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted:

"Excuse me, can you help me ? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am.

"The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 Degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be in IT," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."

The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my friggin' fault!

Female Stress Diet

This is a specially formulated diet, designed to help you cope with the stress that builds up during the day:

BREAKFAST:
1 grapefruit
1 slice whole wheat toast
1 cup skim milk

LUNCH
Small portion lean, steamed chicken with acup of spinach
1 cup herbal tea
1 chocolate biscuit

AFTERNOON TEA
The rest of the chocolate biscuits in the packet
1 tub of Rocky Road ice cream with Choc-ice topping
1 jar nutella

DINNER
4 bottles of red wine
2 loaves garlic bread
1 family size supreme pizza

LATE NIGHT SNACK
Whole frozen Sara Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from freezer)

You know when you are living in 2006 when ?

You know you’re living in 2006 when…

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven’t played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is thatthey don’t have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see ifanyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of thescreen.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn’t have thefirst 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic andyou turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting yourcoffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12. You’re reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn’t a #9 onthis list.AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.

finally16. You are viewing my blog.

Why Men Die Before Women

MacDonalds

Stick to the Diet.

Words are Important

Government Verbosity

Pythagorean theorem: 24 words.
The Lord's prayer: 66 words.
Archimedes' Principle: 67 words.
The 10 Commandments: 179 words.
The Gettysburg address: 286 words.
The Declaration of Independence: 1,300 words.
U.S. Government regulations on cabbage sales: 26,911 words.

Job Reviews - what they really mean

On vacation I must stick to my Diet Rules

DIET RULES:
1. If no-one sees you eat something, it has no calories
2. When drinking a diet-coke with a chocolate bar, the fat in the chocolate bar is cancelled out by the diet-coke.
3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you do not eat more than they do.
4. Food used for medicinal purposes does NOT count. (for example:chocolate, toast, cheesecake and vodka)
5. If you fatten up the people around you, you will look thinner.
6. Cinema-related foods have a zero calorie count as they are part of the entertainment package and not counted as food intake.(this includes: popcorn, minties, maltesers, jaffas and frozen cokes)
7. Biscuit pieces have no calories because breaking the biscuits up causes calorie leakage.
8. Food licked from knives and spoons has no fat if you are in the process of cooking something.
9. Foods that are the same colour have the same amount of fat. Examples are: spinach and peppermint ice-cream; apples and red jelly snakes.
10.Chocolate is a food-colour wild card and may be substituted for any other colour.
11.Anything eaten while standing has no calories due to gravityand the density of calorie mass.
12.Food consumed from someone else's plate has no fat as it rightfully belongs to the other person and the fat will cling to his/her plate.

Who said scousers can't come up with good ideas

OUCH

NASA

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in 0 gravity. To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300 C.

Driving Rules

Driving Rules

1. A right-lane construction closure is just a game to see how many people can cut in line by passing you on the right as you sit in the left lane waiting for the same drivers to squeeze their way back in before hitting the orange construction barrels.

2. Turn signals will give away your next move. A real driver never uses them.

3. Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, or the space will be filled in by somebody else putting you in an even more dangerous situation.

4. Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane-change is considered 'going with the flow.'

5. The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.

6. Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork.

7. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs.

8. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right.

9. Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions, and are apparently not enforceable during rush hour.

10. Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that a driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.

11. Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident, or even if someone is just changing a tire.

12. Throwing litter on the roads adds color to the landscape and gives Adopt-a-Highway crews something to clean up.

13. It is assumed that state police cars passing at high speed may be followed in the event you need to make up a few minutes on your way to work, or the beach.

14. Remember that the goal of every good driver is to get there first, by whatever means necessary.

15. Real female drivers can put on pantyhose, apply eye makeup, and balance the checkbook at seventy-five miles per hour during a snowstorm in bumper-to-bumper traffic.

Lets do things together

I don't know whether I would rather have a stand up or sit down job while someone else was having the opposite.

Maybe its an "His & Hers" set.

New Software for Boys

Last night I published a Post for Girls but now it is time for the boys to have a laugh.

Girlfriend 1.0Important user notes:
Last year a friend of mine upgraded GirlFriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that it's a memory hog leaving very little system resources for other applications. He is only now noticing that Wife 1.0 also is spawning Child-Processes which are further consuming valuable resources. No mention of this particular phenomena was included in the product brochure or the documentation, though other users have informed him that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application.
Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself such that it is always launched at system initialization where it can monitor all other system activity. He's finding that some applications such as PokerNight 10.3, BeerBash 2.5, and PubNight 7.0 are no longer able to run in the system at all, crashing the system when selected (even though they always worked fine before). At installation, Wife 1.0 provides no option as to the installation of undesired Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw 55.8 and BrotherInLaw Beta release. Also, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day.
The features he'd like to see in the upcoming Wife 2.0 include:
- A "Don't remind me again" button
-Minimize button
- An install shield feature that allows Wife 2.0 to be installed with the option to uninstall at any time without the loss of cache and other system resources.
- An option to run the network driver in promiscuous mode which would allow the systems hardware probe feature to be much more useful.
I myself decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking with Girlfriend 2.0. Even here, however, I found many problems. Apparently you cannot install Girlfriend 2.0 on top of Girlfriend 1.0. You must uninstall Girlfriend 1.0 first. Other users say this is a long standing bug which I should have been aware of. Apparently the versions of Girlfriend have conflicts over shared use of the I/O port. You think they would have fixed such a stupid bug by now. To make matters worse, the uninstall program for Girlfriend 1.0 doesn't work very well leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system. Another thing that sucks -- all versions of Girlfriend continually pop-up little annoying messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0
BUG WARNING
Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources.
BUG WORK-AROUNDS To avoid the above bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different system and never run any file transfer applications such as LapLink 6.0. Also, beware of similar shareware applications that have been known to carry viruses that may affect Wife 1.0. Another solution would be to run Mistress 1.0 via a UseNet provider under an anonymous name. Here again, beware of the viruses which can accidentally be downloaded from the UseNet.

New Software for Girls

I found this on a website and I think some of my lady readers may find it amusing.
Husband 1.0
Important user notes:
There are alot of pressures to upgrade from Boyfriend 6.0 to Husband 1.0. However before doing so make sure you understand the implications of this change...
For one, system activity will be severely limited and you will be compelled to instigate rigorous daily routines in space management, garbage disposal and disc cleaning often with an accompanying increase in system administration. This program can also be a drain on many resources and demand constant attention. You will encounter an increased amount of interrupts and error messages, while the program often cancels processes without warning, very often crashing the system. In addition, Husband 1.0 often refuses to respond to your commands and frequently appears to be running processes which you have not authorised. If this happens a lot, do not respond to any interactive requests from the program and severely limit demand for extra bytes.
Every evening there will be a huge surge in demand for megabytes and if not satisfied, the process will become unresponsive and has been known on occasion to damage hardware.
Every so often you will be promised a new release of the program, but unfortunately, upon loading this new release, it is generally found to be almost identical to the old one, with very few feature changes and most of the same old annoying bugs which you were undoubtedly promised would not be there in the new release. Put up with it or discontinue use entirely. Husband 1.0 is a flawed program; many of the bugs are so deeply encoded that, even if they can be located, they are inpossible to eradicate and have to be tolerated.
Husband 1.0 will frequently make use of low level language and may not understand higher level commands so you must be prepared to use basic functions when required. Often a few robust algorithms in handshaking mode will produce a good response.
After a while, Husband 1.0 has a tendency to take up more space than originally allocated, often spreading in size and slowing down correspondingly. If this happens, be very careful as there is increased risk of complete system failure. Around this time, Husband 1.0 will also tend to lose bits from the top of the stack, although these will often multiply and be found lower down the stack.
Another problem with this program is that Husband 1.0 can also spawn unknown child processes, which can sometimes inadvertently appear, make huge demands on the program and force unwanted interaction with old versions of 1.nightstand.
Sometimes, Husband 1.0 will end a process prematurely, before you have the required result. This generally results in spawned processes scattered over your system which must be located and removed. More often than not, however, Husband 1.0 will appear to take an inordinately long time to complete a relatively simple process. While waiting for tedious processes to complete you may find it useful to distract yourself by perusing manuals for alternative programs, Stud 2.0 or Lover 6.9
On completion of a process, Husband 1.0 will often inadvertently apply the sleep command, or suspend system activity with a Ctrl ZZ. There is nothing you can do in this case, but leave the program and try again later.
Ultimately, as the program becomes older, it will become more difficult to produce hardcopy, and you will find that most of you work ends up on floppies. In addition, you will be needing software support more often than you'd like. If and when this happens, try to find a copy of Toyboy 1.1. Make sure you have used Ctrl ZZ on Husband 1.0 before loading Toyboy 1.1 and, of course, check for viruses before using any new program. Toyboy 1.1 should come with new hardware which can be plugged into any of your ports.

Take this Fun Quiz

Fun quiz
Here is a fun one that I got from Jenny's blog.
Just copy and paste it with your answers into a comment to share!

I will post my answers that I entered on Jenny's blog in a comment as well.

1. Name:
2. Date of birth:
3. Where you live:
4. What makes you happy:
5. Currently listening/the last thing you listened to:
6. Do you read my blog?:
7. If yes, what makes it especially good or bad?:
8. An interesting fact about you:
9. Are you in love/do you have a crush at the moment?:
10. Favourite place to spend time:
11. Favourite lyric:
12. The best time of the year:

RECOMMEND
1. A film:
2. A book:
3. A band, a song, or album:

PLUS
1. One thing you like about me:
2. Two things you like about yourself:
3. Look at my friends-list and tell what you like about one of our mutual friends:
4. Put this in your journal/blogger so that I can tell you what I like about you.